2011: The Predicted Resurrection of Tobacco Companies

For decades now, Congress has not back down from bullying the quiet and highly successful tobacco companies. Continuing to huff and puff and raise its chest high in the air, determined to blow down the ciggy makers.

Well, the big bad wolf is finally one step closer to doing so. Congress just passed the Tobacco Control Act in hopes of scaring Americans in quitting or ever using tobacco products. The Act will also allow the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) complete oversight on all coffin nail producers; who will impose strict control on the making and marketing of tobacco products. 

With this new federal oversight, the FDA will limit cigarette advertising (eliminating the wonderfully bright ad signs, that all smokers will dearly miss *sarcasm*, to boring black-and-white text only ads), apply bigger health warnings on packs, reduce carcinogens and toxins (basically they plan to create a new cigarette that taste so bad, that no one will want to smoke it), and worst of all– no more flavored cigarettes. So, farewell blueberry cigs. R.I.P. kiwi-strawberry tobacco. Honestly, I had no clue they even made flavored cigarettes. Does anybody even know someone who smokes fruit-flavored cigarettes? 

Moving on, the Congressional Budget Office predicts that when the new regulations take place, a major decrease in smokers will happen over the next decade. Or as I interpret their plan-of-action: we hope to scare the shit out of American citizens into never smoking again. Honestly whom is the government trying to fool? No one’s going to stop smoking due to colorless advertisement or because the FDA has put a ban on tropical fruit punch cigarettes. Can someone say, FAIL? And tobacco companies FTW. 

Yet the smoking Nazi’s will continue hitting the streets with their scare tactics. Exclaiming to Americans that they will die if they take a puff or are around the dirty puffing bastards. And for some bizarre reason, it’s sort of working for them. I mean, smokers aren’t even allowed to smoke outside anymore. We have to stand in a 10-foot by 10-foot box the hell away from civilization. Idiotically standing there like a damn child in a playpen. We can’t smoke in restaurants, bowling alleys, or even bars anymore. Not even strip clubs for God’s sake! 

So until tobacco companies break free from their chains and throw the clinging monkeys off their backs, thank god we don’t live in New York–where they dish out ten whopping bucks for a pack.

On a final note, so long banana flavored cigarettes. So long.