American Zombie: 2008 Election

The presidential election isn’t too far off and it occupies the thoughts of many people throughout the day, including my own. So this time, I’d like to talk about my position on some of the big issues, and maybe give a little insight to how they apply to me and my fellow living dead. After all, we have to live here, too.

The Death Penalty

There are crimes in this world that warrant a harsher punishment than time in prison. Chief among these are premeditated murder and anything involving abuse or mistreatment of children. Generally speaking, anything that warrants a term of life in prison should instead be truncated to death. Why? It is a waste of money and space to detain someone indefinitely for a crime. Why feed, clothe, educate, and provide recreational facilities to a criminal of this caliber when you could simply put a bullet in their head and be done with it? Secondly, the threat of death will make for a far better deterrent than the promise of 3 hot meals a day, a place to sleep, clothes on your back, education opportunities, and free recreational facilities. Hell, to some people, prison is a better life than what they’d be leaving behind.

I do not, however, advocate the use of “humane” methods of execution. The disposal of criminals should be swift and cost-effective. A bullet or a nice, sharp executioner’s ax is far more economical than lethal injection, gas, or electrocution. Imagine the money the government would save with these methods of dispatching criminals. Also, keep in mind that anything short of a bullet to the brain isn’t going to put down a zombie criminal.

McCain - Supports the Death Penalty

Obama – Supports the Death Penalty

Carl - Supports the Death Penalty

Internet Neutrality

In case you don’t know, Internet Neutrality is the widely debated need for legislation to prevent internet service providers from slowing, blocking, or charging for access to websites offered by the competitors. Many large internet providers are of the opinion that sites like Google are taking advantage of their heavy investment in providing network service to people, and want those sites to pay for the users that are being “handed to them”. While it doesn’t sound entirely unreasonable from a business standpoint, this would effectively destroy small companies that can’t afford to pay, as well as drive users away from ISPs that are inhibiting or even blocking their access to various sites. This can, however, be a real problem in places where there are only one or two options for service.

I’m a firm supporter of the need for internet neutrality. I’m already paying for the service. If I found out my ISP was deliberately inhibiting my high-speed connection I’d be more than a little annoyed. No one who actually uses the internet regularly would oppose neutrality.

McCain – opposes internet neutrality

Obama – supports internet neutrality

Carl – supports internet neutrality

Increase in Minimum Wage

This sounds like a no-brainer, right? Anyone making minimum wage, or near it, thinks this would be great.

Let me lay some basic economics out for you: By forcing employers to pay their employees more, they are left with two choices. The first choice is to raise prices to compensate, which results in the wage increase being largely negated. The other option is to reduce the number of employees so they can afford to pay the ones they keep without raising their prices. Neither is particularly good for the recipient of the increase.

McCain – Opposes an increase in minimum wage

Obama - Supports an increase in minimum wage

Carl - Opposes an increase in minimum wage

Universal National Healthcare

The subject of healthcare is largely meaningless to the walking dead, however, it is an important issue. The living are not adequately provided for. I have several acquaintances who have ignored various aches and pains in their bodies because they have no insurance, no means to get insurance, and cannot afford to pay for treatment out of their own pockets. Why should good healthcare be restricted to those who manage to get good jobs or can afford to pay for it? In case you’re wondering how I propose the government pay for the healthcare, I suggest you reread my thoughts on the death penalty.

Also, healthy bodies taste better.

McCain – Opposes National Healthcare

Obama - Supports National Healthcare

Carl – Supports National Healthcare

Same-Sex Marriage

This one really irks me. Most politicians oppose same sex marriage, but are okay with civil unions. For those who don’t know, marriage and civil union are virtually identical. From my research, the key difference between the two is that the government doesn’t recognize in-laws in a civil union. This is fine by me, since most married men don’t want to recognize their in-laws either, but the fact remains that the two are otherwise indistinguishable. This, in my opinion, is merely a means to save face in the eyes of the public. They might as well be saying “You’re allowed to marry your same-sex partner, you’re just not allowed to use our word. Marriage is for us straight folks.” Part of it is a religious issue, and I can understand that, but God doesn’t belong in politics.

McCain - Opposes same sex marriage and civil union, but believes civil union should be left up to the individual states.

Obama - Opposes same sex marriage, but supports civil union

Carl - Supports same sex marriage and thinks civil union is complete BS

As usual the issues that most interest zombies are avoided, but that’s understandable since I suspect few politicians even know we’re out there. If they did, they might decide it’s a good idea to be rid of us, so I’m fine with keeping us out of the spotlight. If, however, an open minded politician out there with dreams of a 2012 Presidential win is reading this, here’s a sure fire way to get a strong zombie turn out.

1. Recognize the zombie nation, and extend civil rights to include us
2. Open up adoption to zombie kind, because frankly we can’t reproduce, and many of us would like to raise a family
3. Lower the prices on brains. Really, no one else is eating them, so why should we have to spend upwards to $10.00 per pound.

So there’s where this humble zombie stands on some of the issues driving the 2008 election. Until next time, braaiiins…