Blame It on Rio, Obama

When Michael Phelps won a Speedo full of gold medals at the Olympic Games in 2008, the media jumped all over the tried and true “hero story,” using it as a springboard to higher ratings on TV. Everyone loves a winner after all. Even the most downtrodden among us still manage to savor the sporting accomplishments of others. I mean, where would this country be without the Olympic Games? I’m glad we have a president with the foresight to know how important and vital the 2016 games our to those of us living from paycheck to paycheck.

Just think about all the prestige Chicago would gain if it hosted such a sporting competition. The windy city would surely have it’s moment in the sun (it’s had quite a few of those for all the wrong reasons). But with Obama and Oprah packing the one-two wallop in Copenhagen, Chicago sure seemed like a sure bet. Come on, world, don’t you know how important Oprah is? Oprah is bigger than the Olympic games herself (literally and figuratively); you snobby foreigners have no right to rain on this charade! Obama took time out of rescuing this country from “it’s worst economic crisis in history” to play spokesperson for such an essential task. Let’s be truthful, folks, this country needs an Olympic Games like a fish needs a bicycle.

If you’re looking for someone to blame, I say let’s fault Michael Caine, and a perky-chested Demi Moore! They had to go and make a film back in the early 80s called “Blame it on Rio,” and now the world can’t stop thinking about all those semi-nude beaches. White sand, azure waters, and voluptuous boobs has caused a fourth place finish for us feisty Americans. Finishing fourth stinks! I hope they served a wedge of humble pie for Mr. President and our First Lady on their jaunt back from Denmark. And you can give Reggie Jackson’s piece to Oprah; she’s like that “Mikey” kid on the box of life cereal–she’ll eat anything.

At least America has its priorities in order. People are losing their homes, workers across the country are now assembled on unemployment lines, the state of education is in the toilet (most due to an emphasis on sports rather than academics), and banks are hoarding the money that the taxpaying Americans were bilked out of. Yes, this is the perfect time to lobby for tumbling events. We should spend millions assembling swanky, state-of-the-art stadiums across the southside of Chicago. Let’s mortgage the future for countless Americans on an event that will last 14 days. Yes, that’s the kind of common sense that built this country. Where would we be without another awards ceremony for a collection of pseudo-heroes. Let’s be clear about something: people who play sports are not heroes! They’re simply atheletes who have an inordinate amount of time to practice and hone their skills…heroes is a word that the Greeks used far too frequently. Hey, speaking of those Greeks, why don’t they take their Olympics and put them back in their own country where they belong? We all know the huge success of those games a few years back. Look at the landscape of Greece today.

In my mind, the people of Rio stand as heroes, for having the moxie to stand up to America and say, “Chicago sucks…we got beaches, casinos, babes galore, and males on the beaches in weenie bikinis! What more can the world want. Just Blame it on Rio, Obama. I’m sure you’ll be invited.