Campaign Promises I Want to Hear

Most candidates on the campaign trail talk about taxes and sling mud at their opposition. I figure taxes are like wrinkles-annoying and inevitable. What I really want to hear are campaign promises for the stuff that really matters.

Stupidity Tax

I will vote for a candidate who proposes a tax on stupidity. This will reverse the national debt and allow blowhards of all ilks to put their money where their loud obnoxious mouths are. The grocery store that employs baggers that put the 10 pound bag of potatoes on top of the eggs would have to pay a stupidity tax.

Insurance Reform

I live in Florida. Insurance companies are very happy to drain my wallet and insure my home providing no one in the state of Florida ever files a claim. If anyone in the state of Florida does file a claim because of hurricane, they get very annoyed, terminate my policy and withdraw from the state. By the way, home insurance only covers damage due to wind. You need flood insurance to cover any damage done by water. This presumably is because not all hurricanes are wet. Insurance companies would be subject to the stupidity tax.

Pharmaceutical Company Advertising Reform

Pharmaceutical companies spend more on advertising than on research. I will vote for the candidate that promises to restrict drug advertising to press releases when the drug is put on the market. Further mention should be restricted to recalls or adverse reactions. Take all the money saved on advertising and reduce the prices of prescription meds. The only advertising that would be allowed would be public service announcements to raise awareness of a disease or condition. For example, osteoporosis is a serious condition. If you are a post-menopausal woman, talk to your doctor about a bone density test and treatment options. The company name and logo will be allowed to be displayed, but not the name of the drug. Who are you to be telling your doctor about a drug anyway? Who do you think knows more about it? If your doctor isn’t aware of drug treatment options without your interference, you belong to a really bad HMO.

Campaign Reform

Television campaign ads cost megabucks and most of them make the Jerry Springer Show seem like a sermon. Candidates have to raise incredible amounts of money to mount a campaign for national office. How about only televising debates and town hall meetings? That’s news. I’ll vote for the candidate who proposes to use the money in the campaign war chest to reduce the national debt, fix the infrastructure and education of our kids.

Lobbyist Reform

Promise to feed all lobbyists to sharks or use them as subjects for medical experiments and you’ll have my vote. Lobbying is just bribery and graft. It is institutionalized and sophisticated, but it is still bribery and graft. Perhaps the lobbyists who don’t want to become shark chow can go to Iraq or some other garden spot and become hostages. Lobbyists who become hostages in foreign countries will not be allowed to return. Lobbyists should not be allowed to breed.

Food Additive/Food Labeling Reform

I’ll vote for the candidate who proposes plain English on food labels. You shouldn’t have to be a chemist to understand food labels. If the product has eggs in it, the label should say “Contains eggs”. If the product contains sugar, it should say “Contains sugar”. Currently, a product labeled as sugarless can contain high fructose corn syrup, evaporated cane juice, maltodextrin, and sucrose. FYI, your body thinks they are all sugar and will happily make fat out of them. There is zinc oxide in my breakfast cereal. That’s what’s in sun block. Is sunburn a big problem for breakfast cereal? Most of the stuff on food labels are unpronounceable and incomprehensible. What is disodium guanylate and why is it in my chicken soup? Will it give me cancer? Will it make me obese? Will it make me itch? Is that what gives it home-cooked flavor? Grandma made chicken soup and I don’t remember her reaching for the sodium guanylate.

Credit Card Interest Rates

You’ll earn my vote if you can explain why the usury laws don’t apply to credit card companies. How come a credit card company can state in microscopic print that it can, at any time, for any reason, change your rate from outrageous to astronomical. The Mafia has better terms.

Petroleum Company Profits/Pricing

To get my vote, propose that oil companies take their obscene profits and either put the money into renewable energy or reduce prices. Alternatively, they could put money into researching renewable energy AND reduce prices.

CEO Salaries

I don’t understand why the CEO of a company should earn three hundred times what the people who actually do the work earn. Currently, a CEO can run a company into bankruptcy and walk away with golden parachutes worth more than the GDP of some countries. If any of the rank and file did their job as poorly, they’d be fired. I’ll vote for the candidate who proposes to fire the CEOs who are driving companies into the ground and give them a parachute of dog poo. Better yet, pay them on a commission-only basis.

Health Care

My congressperson has comprehensive health care. Doesn’t he/she work for me? Don’t I pay his/her salary? How come I don’t have the same benefits? What kind of employer offers their employees health care and doesn’t have it themselves? Either come up with something viable effective immediately or I’ll send my medical and dental bills to my elected representative.

That’s what I’d like to hear on the campaign trail—a lot less about whether pit bulls or pigs wear lipstick more about what’s important to me. I’m listening.