Campaign Trail Uk: Leaders Clash in First Ever Tv Debate

                Later on this evening, those not already sick to death of all the simonizing and brownnosing going on in the UK at present will be tuning in to a certain television channel (I forget which) for something of a first in British Politics. Rather than sitting comfortably in their towers on obscenely large piles of gold, throwing mud at each other in a perpetual slagging match, the leaders of the British Big Three (Tory, Lib Dem and Labour) are going head to head – live.

                Politics pundits, or however they refer to themselves, have churned out a huge amount of speculation as to whether such debates can have any positive influence on the campaign whatsoever. The obvious problem is that these crazy party weasels will say or promise literally anything on TV if it’s going to garner them a handful of votes – and then quite shamelessly pull a violent U-turn and screw everyone over having been elected. One can imagine Nick Clegg, for example, leaping from his seat and yelling ‘Yes, of course we’ll legalize drugs! We’ll even bring back M-Cat!’

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                The Lib Dems are no doubt going to have a lot of ground to regain in order to get level with the Tories and Labour – they don’t seem to have released anything vaguely resembling a manifesto yet, whereas the Tories have laid a giant, morbid tombstone shaped Egg of a book, and the Labour have released a skimpy happy paperback. One also speculates whether or not the Lib Dems have any policies at all – they simply seem to nod and smile, and say ‘Why Yee-eees, I see what you mean,’ promise some form of change, and then five minutes later forget that the ghastly exchange ever occurred.

                Furthermore, Clegg will be appearing without his ‘Wife,’ the considerably more experienced deputy leader Vince Cable, who has many a time reached down and swept up Clegg in his strong arms after a political gaffe. By contrast, someone who is probably giggling with joy over yet more limelight is the wonderfully charismatic yet woefully Conservative David Cameron- he likes nothing more to ruffle his shirt and tie in Obama-esque homage and leap into a furore of empty promises and feeble attempts to empathize with the working class. No doubt he will probably come out on top this evening in terms of empty rhetoric, and most of us will probably be too transfixed on his youthful, health visage to even notice if he says something ridiculous and out of left field.

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                Finally, trailing around in last place is Father Bear Brown, oldest and most experienced, but in the opinion of most newspapers, comedians, broadcasters and students in the UK, by far the least charismatic. There is an air of lingering charm about the man, one must admit, but this seems to come from bulk and size. However, this stage presence will no doubt wither and die in direct comparison to Cameron’s lithe and spritely figure. However, where Cameron and Clegg are probably going to be thin on the ground – policies and honesty – it’s a fairly safe bet that Gordon Brown will deliver in buckets. He rarely lies through his teeth – not a bad track record for a politician- but just don’t mention the war in Iraq. So long as that little gaffe stays swept under the carpet, he ought to do just fine.

                Of course, no one really has a bloody clue what’s actually going on- and it’s not completely impossible that, within minutes, the entire debate will once again descend into some kind of grotesque chicken-fight, the views recoiling in horror as these three strange middle aged men tear off their suits, lather themselves in mud and roll around on stage screaming at each other, as Jeremy Paxman, or some other belligerent broadcaster, will yell ‘Now for god’s sake, chaps, pull yourselves together- got a bloody election to win, you know.