Diary of a Pensive Man

Let me give you some background before we commence this journey into the unknown.I was born in the small English market town of Hitchin in Hertfordshire,an only child (mother said “I’m not going through that again!”)of John and Margaret and spent my growing years in a number of unremarkable towns where my dad worked.I left school at 16 and started work in London as a trainee travel agent and over a period of years managed to see quite a bit of the world including North America,The Far East and Australia.What did I learn from these formative experiences?….everywhere seemed hotter than England!

For the rest you can say I worked in a number of sectors including Professional Services,Business Development,IT and more rewarding as a gardener.

However as you get older your priorities change and a need to express yourself becomes all encompassing.

Hence here we are today commencing our journey into the unknown.You may find from time to time my opinions offend you,that being the case please feel free to offend me!

I now live in the Northeast of England, a very pleasant place,beautiful countryside,small towns and villages,castles and a fabulous coastline with not very many people.Northumbrians are a friendly bunch and the social life here is grand.

The breaking news here at the moment is the building of a statue to commemorate a fella called Harry Hotspur,who died about 600 years ago.He’s an ancestor of the Duke of Northumberland who lives in the castle in the town.Much cap doffing is going on at the moment amongst certain town elements.It seems nothing much changes even in the 21st Century,certainly in Alnwick,oh by the way that’s the place I’m talking about,yep it really exists!

Not only are we to be endowed with this wonderful edifice,it is also going to get it’s own CCTV camera.Presumably to stop the local lads selling it for scrap!

Sad news too Alnwick District Council no longer exists,we’ve been encorporated into Northumberland County Council,what the government call a new unitary authority.Whilst the residents of the county voted against this their views were merely ignored by Mr Brown and his chums.We are of course told that this will save money(not while my arse has a hole in it!).The new computer system is busily sending out summons for not payment of council tax to people like my old dad who paid five months in advance.Ah the wonders of technology!Of course we will be told that there is a problem with the computer,never a problem with the tit who operates it!

Northumberland County Council have made a positive start to their reign,our bin bags instead of black are now blue!

Alnwick being an old town is not very wheelchair friendly,I like to take the old fella for a pint from time to time and when pushing him home down Fenkle Street I sometimes think the handle grips are going to come off his chair.The day that happens he’ll enter the front bar of the Hairy Lemon at 40 miles an hour!

I expect their reaction would be to bar him for being pissed!

Our local MP Sir Alan Beith put himself up for nomination as Speaker of the House of Commons,you’ve probably heard of the place,it’s where you go if your skint and want to make some easy money,I’m waiting for it to appear on one of those websites that tell you how you can make money working from home.I can see it now House of Commons Affiliate Marketing Programme,guaranteed $100,000 year repeat business.Vote your own pay-rise,fiddle your expenses,the perfect family business!

Anyway getting back to Sir Alan(personality by-pass)Beith,sadly he didn’t get the job.They chose some fella nobody has ever heard of,but no doubt he’ll be great at affiliate marketing!

It seems there is a heatwave across Europe at the moment,particularly bad in France,we are now exporting electricity cos their nuclear power stations are shutting down,well I suppose it all helps with the balance of payments.Perhaps Gordon Brown can pop over to France and give them some advice.After all he’s saved the world from financial meltdown(somebody should tell him you can buy stick-on fingernails now),where would we be without him!

Hello Mr Cameron,how are the slums of Notting Hill these days,everybody back from Glastonbury now?

Honestly when you look at the options of what we’ve got to vote for,it makes you want to emigrate to Zimbabwe.

Well it’s Friday night in Alnwick and the town is jumping,the lads and lasses will be out on the toot!

Me I’m off for a pint at the Fleece and a bit of karaoke.