Article Tools

Oh my god! Ulster Nazi Man is torn between two loves and feeling like a fool! How will the loathsome creature from Ulster cope with this quandary? We spoke to the ugly old bigot while he was drunk (again) to find out.

When we got to Ulsterman’s local, somewhere in Venezuela (which we cannot name for contractual reasons), the ugly old bigot was much the worse for wear having downed a half bottle of blended cheap malt whisky. With vomit drying on his polyester shirt and mingling with the odor of the sweat from his flaccid, unshowered, smelliness – immense damp patches of which emanated from his yukky armpits – and vied with the strength of his breath (which many have compared to the smell emitted from the Devil’s anus) – the stench was disgusting. But we were here (at considerable expense) for the love story. This was the most bizarre love triangle we had ever encountered and we had to know more for the sake of modern democracy and that of out followers.

Torn Between Two Lovers

Image by Gage Skidmore via Flickr | Will it be Michele Bachmann who Ulster Nazi Man chooses?

Read more in Opinions
« The Libyan Crisis : Bringing Muammar Gaddafi to Justice
The Anti-Ulsterman Report: Ulsterman Supprts Destroying His Own Country »

Image via Wikipedia | Or will it be Sarah Palin who Jimmy (Ulsterman aka Ulster Nazi Man) chooses?

Talking to Jimmy/Ulster Nazi Man/Ulsterman in Venezuela 

Ulster Nazi Man (known as Jimmy to his friend) was looking at two pictures. One was of the stupid Sarah Palin the other was of the slightly less stupid but more bigoted Michele Bachmann. (We have reproduced the pictures above for anyone who really wants to look at this pair of prominent American political representatives.) Jimmy (Ulster Nazi Man) was singing lyrics from that slushy song:

Torn between two lovers

Feeling like a fool

Loving both of you is breaking every rule

Dar dee dar dee dar dar dar

Dee dar dar dar dar dar

Diddly dee dee dee dar

Breaking every rule

We listened to the sick bigot and, after plying him with another bottle of less cheap whisky he agreed to talk to us.

Ulster Nazi Man: I’ve made up my mind and, although some of my best friends are gay, I have decided to write to them all and tell them that they are disgusting and go against anything I now believe in. Marriage is for couples made up of one man and one woman. Other combinations should be discouraged… I mean outlawed. This means I won’t be getting it on with Joe Walsh… or Rick Perry but I’m glad of that… really I am… I’ve come to this conclusion because I am dropping Sarah Palin in order to devote myself to the magnificent homophobe Michele Bachmann. I have nothing more to say on the matter and would be glad if you go away as I want to look at the pictures and watch the extremely sexy video of Bachmann. Yes, I know she is married but should anything happen to her luckiest man on the earth husband I’ll be there to pick up the pieces…

AndAnotherThing: What pieces?

Ulster Nazi Man: You won’t catch me out like that… [starts to sing]:

Me and Mrs Bachmann

Tra la la la la la

We got a thing going on

We both know that it’s wrong

But it’s much too good to let it go…

Holding hands, making all sorts of plans…

AndAnotherThing: We’ll leave you to it Jimmy.

We could not stand the smell any longer and Ulsterman sings like an out of tune jaundiced gimp with a soar throat. We left him as he started to watch his favourite video of his homophobe sweetheart Michele Bachmann. We left him this picture which we know he’ll adore (not really we know it could make the vein in his head pump so much that it could just be the straw which broke the camel’s back):

Image by DonkeyHotey via Flickr