News Headlines Predictions for 2009

2008 is gone like a crumpled newspaper blowing against your leg as you try to run to make the train (but fail as you simultaneously try to brush the paper off your leg since it clings and looks ridiculous, balance a cup of trash coffee you cadged pennies from the floor to get, and find that your bag is slipping precariously from your shoulder while you contort to save it.) Or is that just me?

We had such epiphanies: politics is still Tammany Hall time corrupt, you can’t keep selling crap debt endlessly without the economy falling apart, and the outgoing administration was a debacle. Who knew. But all the brouhaha aside, major changes are a-comin’.

2008 is history; we see it bound in the phraseology of the scribes. It is apparent now that we are on the fast track to some slippery times. So what’s in it for 2009? Maybe this…

1. Bush and Cronies Newest Gitmo Detainees

With a new sheriff in town, some Wild West housecleaning is on the horizon. When the Justice department turns its attention to Bush and the Legion of Doom, they find some mighty shady war dealings. And so, after a trial televised live (fed from C-Span no less,) the posse is poetically sentenced to G Bay. Yay.  They all have to abide by their own rulings on detainees, too.

2. Oprah Touts Latest Heart-Rending True Life Miracle Uplift Story Only to Find it’s False

I’m sure that millions are inspired by tales of the human spirit at its most noble. I even get a little tear in my eye from the knowledge that humans still commit acts of great nobility and kindness. However, I do like a little cinema verite with my worldview. It never seems that the corrections make it to the Oprah faithful. This only leads to disillusionment, which cheapens the beauty of kindness for me.

3.  Malia and Sasha Go to Bed

Disney loves kids. Disney loves capitalizing on hooking kids on serialized shows geared toward the hip kid segment of society, or at least creating the illusion that kids should be as hip as the characters on their network. What could be better than bringing the hottest tweens in 30 years to the screen in tell-all hysteria? Malia hearts Fruit Gushers! Product placement galore!

4. Shoplifting now the #1 After School Activity for Kids

The economic dump slams everybody’s discretionary income. Morals fly out the window faster than Ipods are stuffed into craftily enlarged inner coat pockets.

5. Obama Puts the “Christ” back into “Christmas”

He really does want to close some rifts between religious conservatives (holy rollers) and the (godless) left. A country/house divided against itself and all. Additionally prayer will be allowed in public schools, resulting in higher test scores with the help of the Almighty. Everybody wins.

6. Gas Prices Act Just Like Your Teenagers

Whatever experts predict will happen to commodities futures will be the opposite of reality. Bet on it. Actually, you can bet on it – online bookies have offered odds on just this very topic.

7. Wall Street Post-Mortems de Rigor (sorry pun)

Scads of media gleefully eviscerate the bad guys in Saville Row suits and Patek watches. Exposees of white collar criminality abound. Oddly enough, 91% of the people interviewed in the docudramas claim that they saw the crash coming. What happened to Cassandra?

8. Meat Prices Up, Global Warming Down

Strange corollaries can run from seemingly unrelated and even negative situations. Let’s say people stop buying so much meat because it’s too expensive. Producers lower production and amazingly, less livestock means less methane means less greenhouse. Crazy, but it’s possible. Maybe alternately, the methane could be used to produce eco-wise energy sources. They did it in Japan. Or maybe less cows result in less world hunger because less grain and farm acreage are used to support them.

9. America Sold to Highest Bidder as China Defaults on US Debt

Repo men take back the US of A when China misses some payments. A cadre of Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Lichtenstein, and the Bully for Manchester City FC buy ‘er cheap at auction. This is interesting because I happened to see an article about foreign concerns on the verge of owning the majority of America after I wrote this.

Some of these may actually be close to the truth. Satire has its roots in reality. The thing that is true is that 2009 may be full of challenge, but cheers to 2009. May it be a good one!

Ooooo, I made the next train!