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For years the man who calls himself the president of our country has been hiding his true, secret agenda from all of us, calling us fools behind our backs, labeling us idiots and worse. But no more! A secret informant within a U.S. department is speaking out, and the truth might freeze you to your core!

Image by Ethan Bloch via Flickr

DATELINE: Washington, D.C., Sept. 1, 2011

For the last few years Barack Obama has been working behind the scenes in the White House to divide the United States. The man who claims to be president of our country (though we all know better — wink, wink) has held meetings with other top members of the Washington leftist elite in order to destroy the lifestyle of the hard-working American hard workers.

The details have been a secret all this time, but recently an informant has been revealed, someone who works within the White House itself but wishes to remain anonymous for fear of not only losing their job, but of their very life and the lives of their family members!

“It’s right there in black and white,” the informant says. “I’ve got documented evidence to prove what Obama is up to. The only way I would put my name to any of this would be if I could find an executive federal attorney in the U.S. Department of Justice willing to take this to the public. So far I’ve not been able to. All of them are afraid of Obama and his posse. Too bad none of Bush’s boys are still around.”

Still, the informant realizes the importance of such information, that U.S. citizens must be made aware of what is happening. To that end, he is contacting members of the real media (not the gotcha media) and providing them with information.

“It’s truly scandalous what this president is trying to do,” the informant said. “I can’t believe he actually wants to outlaw vanilla ice cream.”

Wait. What?

“Yes, he wants to outlaw vanilla ice cream.”

Um, what department of the government did you say you work for?

“I was a special agent with the BFD, the Bureau of Frozen Dairy. We are responsible for all frozen treats in U.S. stores and restaurants, and despite our name, we do cover non-dairy frozen products as well.”

Why in the world would the president want to make vanilla ice cream illegal?

“Well, first of all, let’s get it straight that he’s not my president. He might be your president, but he’s not mine. I don’t care what the vote tallies said. Hail President McCain!”

Okay, but what about the vanilla ice cream?

“Isn’t it obvious? Think, man, think! Obama wants to separate the vanilla ice cream from the chocolate ice cream! He’s practically starting a race war!”

Uh, yeah. Well, what about other flavors?

“Oh, Obama will hold onto his Mexican deep fried ice cream, that’s for sure. And who knows what else? He’ll probably keep around some strawberry shortcake flavors because … well, you know.”

No. why?

“Because it’s gay.”

Oooookay. Well, I think we’ve had enough of this interview.

“No! You can’t stop now! The public must know! If Obama has his way, vanilla ice cream will only be available on the black market. I mean the white market! And then we’ll have illegal ice creams coming up here and taking away all our Ben & Jerry’s! It’s insanity! It’s fascist and its socialist all at the same time!”

Um, thanks for the interview?

“And don’t forget about all the Muslim ice creams out there! And the atheist ice creams, too! The next thing you know Obama will be serving that stuff up to our children in our schools.”

Thanks. Bye bye.

“Wait! Obama wants to raise taxes on all vanilla ice creams, but give subsidies to all the other flavors. Then we’ll all only be a step away from Armageddon (which is what I really want to happen in the first place … but enough about that). And after that Obama will –”


Okay, next interview, please.

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