Peace-loving Canadians?

I am writing this in the hopes that it will restore your image of Canadians as a quiet peace-loving nation liberally sprinkled with Tim Horton’s coffee and donut shops. We are so polite, we say thank you to automated bank tellers. We don’t fight amongst ourselves, do we?

This is why it is so shocking to watch footage of “Question Period” in our parliamentary meetings. These grown men and women, who seemed so mature and self -controlled when we elected them, behave like 7th graders with a substitute teacher. They interrupt each other, they don’t raise their hands, and they don’t use their inside voices. In fact, a classroom full of 13 year olds hopped up on energy drinks and sugar who have just been informed that the cafeteria is replacing the French fries with carrot and celery sticks would be calm by comparison.

I suppose that the multiparty system of democratic government is about the best form of government that humans have come up with. At least it prevents the country from being taken over by an evil dictator who shuts down all the Tim Horton shops and makes us drink Starbucks

The problem with all these parties is that come election time, they all insist that if elected, they will fund every special interest group, cut taxes, spin straw into gold, and then distribute the gold in a completely fair manner that will make everyone happy.

Then we elect one of the parties, and unless the vast majority of citizens voted for the same party, the elected one will form a minority government. This means that whoever didn’t get elected gets paid to criticize everything that the elected guys do, so that by next election time we will see that the guys we put in power last time didn’t accomplish anything, because they were too busy defending themselves from all the yelling, name calling, and basic bullying that goes on in the hallowed halls of our parliament building. So then at the next election, we put another party into power, under the delusion that now finally, we will all get our share of the gold, but their promises too turn out to be made of straw, with nary a spinning wheel in sight.

So round and round we go. We elected Stephen Harper back in 2006, but he only got enough votes for a minority government. Remember that this means that the other parties get paid to pooh pooh every idea Harper has and try to stop him from getting anything accomplished. So Harper takes a chance and calls another election in 2008, hoping that more Canadians will vote for him this time and he will get a majority government. So the taxpayers had to fork over a couple more million bucks to hold another election, and had to watch yet another round of ridiculous attack ad on TV, but this election turns out almost exactly like the last one – another minority government for Harper.

So now the opposition parties, playground bullies that they are, decide that if they all gang up together, they can take down Harper without another election. If they can just put aside their political differences (yeah, right!), maybe they can convince our Governor General Michaelle Jean that Harper isn’t playing fair. She has the power vested in her by the umbilical cord with which Canada is still connected to the Queen of England, so if she wants to, she can declare nonconfidence in Stephan Harper and let one of the other boys have a turn.

But in the meantime, Harper also goes to Michaelle and asks her to prorogue Parliament in order to avoid a vote of confidence scheduled for the following Monday. The request was granted by Jean, and the prorogation is scheduled to last until January 26, 2009. (I had to look up the word prorogue. It means “To suspend a parliamentary session or to discontinue the meetings of a parliament without formally ending the session”).

So now what? Will the three opposition parties be able to sit at the same table without throwing their shoes at each other? (We have very strange traditions here. Actually they just bang their shoes on their tables instead of clapping when they agree with something)?

Will the taxpayers of Canada have to foot the bill for yet another election? Will Stephen Harper’s hair ever look mussed up? Will Canadian politics continue to be fodder for American talk show hosts to make fun of? We will have to break for about six more weeks of mudslinging until the beaver pokes his nose out of his lodge and declares that he won’t be our national mascot anymore until they leave the mud alone.

Stay tuned.