Preview: Obama’s First Debate with a Republican Candidate
2012 is a presidential election year, and with it will come plenty of debates between the current U.S. president, Barack Obama, and whomever wins the Republican nomination. Though nearly a year away, we can already guess pretty much how these debates will go.
Moderator: Hello, Mr. President. Hello, Mr. Nominee. Thank you both for taking the time to speak to the American public. Each of you has been made aware of the rules concerning this debate, and after winning a coin toss backstage, Mr. President you have been given the choice of going first.
Obama: Thank you, Mr. Moderator. The American people are in need right now, and I have outlined –
Obama: Excuse me?
Nominee: You heard me. You socialist!
Obama: Well … uh … Mr. Nominee you are entitled to your opinion, but I am not a member of any socialist party nor do I subscribe to –
Nominee: That’s just what a socialist would say!
Obama: Okay, but would a socialist –
Nominee: Raise taxes? Yes, he would, especially since he wants to bring about the downfall of our great country.
Obama: What?!? Why in the world would I want to bring about the downfall of the United States? I love my country, and it has treated me quite well.
Nominee: Of course it has, because you socialists have been living off the rest of us! But we, the hard working people of this great country, have had enough! No more socialism! Let everyone fend for themselves!
Obama: I’m glad you brought up America’s hard working people, because they are the ones most in need.
Nominee: Of what? Another bailout?
Obama: Wait a second, the first bailout was produced under the Bush administration and –
Nominee: No it wasn’t.
Obama: Uh, yes it was.
Obama: You can’t argue with documented historical fact.
Nominee: What you’ve got aren’t facts, just your version of revisionist history. You made it all up. Liar!
Obama: It’s on frickin’ YouTube for cryin’ out loud!
Nominee: You faked it. Probably stole some of our hard-earned tax dollars to buy off Pixar or somebody to CGI the video for you.
Obama: Well, now I’m glad you brought up CGI, because technology is the next topic I would like to –
Nominee: The only technology you want is technology to steal from our pockets.
Obama: What the? Okay, mister smart guy, what ideas do you have to get the United States back on track?
Nominee: We’re going to do away with taxes.
Nominee: Yes, taxes. All of them.
Obama: You’re going to do away with all taxation?
Nominee: That’s right! Taxation without representation!
Obama: That makes no sense! You have representation!
Nominee: Not when you’re in office.
Obama: But I was elected president fairly and squarely. I represent all of America.
Nominee: Nope. You cheated at the election, and you’re not even an American anyway, so you can’t be president. And if you represent anyone, it’s just the illegal immigrant terrorists who are destroying our great nation.
Obama: But –
Nominee: You’re a Muslim, too! Muslims can’t be president.
Obama: Not according to the –
Nominee: And you’re an atheist, also. Atheists can’t be president.
Obama: That doesn’t make any sense. How can I be an atheists and a Muslim at the same time.
Nominee: Haven’t you heard, idiot? Muslims isn’t a real religion, it’s just some thing some people believe in.
Obama: Okay, okay. You’ve convinced me. I’m backing off. I think I’ll go with your plan of getting rid of all taxes.
Nominee: Nope, I’m only doing away with taxes on rich people.
Obama: But you just said you were getting rid of all taxes!
Nominee: No, I didn’t.
Obama: Yes, you did!
Nominee: No, I didn’t. You’re just making up more stuff.
Obama: Okay, well, I guess I can go along with that. I’ll come up with a plan, then, to get rid of taxes for all the rich people.
Nominee: No! That’s socialism!
Obama: You just said –
Nominee: No, I didn’t!
Obama: I … I don’t get it. Even when I side with you and do everything you want, it’s still not good enough.
Nominee: And you’re taking away all our guns!
Obama: Who ever said anything about guns?
Nominee: Me, that’s who! You’re taking our guns.
Obama: I never said that.
Nominee: And you want to let the Mexicans take over our country! If you don’t like it here, pal, go back to Tijuana!
Obama: I’m not from Mexico.
Nominee: Then go back to Kenya!
Obama: I’m not from there, either! I was born in –
Obama: No, I was born in –
Nominee: A witches’ coven!
Obama: No, wait, I was born in –
Nominee: Russia! Iran! Berlin! Oh, no, wait, they’re no longer our enemies, are they?
Obama: Who, Germany?
Nominee: See! You admit it! You’re from Germany!
Moderator: Alright, gentlemen. We are out of time, so again I’d like to thank the two of you for being here and debating –
Obama: But we didn’t debate anything.
Nominee: Yes, we did.
Obama: No, we –
Nominee: We debated that you’re a socialist Muslim atheist who is trying to destroy this great country!
Obama: Mr. Moderator, please?
Moderator: Okay, gentlemen, let’s wrap this up with –
Nominee: No taxes! For anybody! But especially the rich! I never got a job from a poor man!
Obama: And apparently you’ve never been laid off by a rich man?
Nominee: Wh — shut up, you America hater, you!
Moderator: Alright, that’s enough. Thank you, gentlemen. Now we go to the media who will spend hours of on-air time and tons of print and onscreen pages trying to turn this into a free-for-all fight fest because that drives up their ratings.
Obama: Thank you, Mr. Moderator.
Nominee: Get lost, hippy!
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