Avoiding Cavity Probes: How to Tell If Your Boss is an Alien

When we first get a job, we always hope to get along well with our boss.  We hope that they will be understanding, fair, even-tempered and positive.  Unfortunately for many of us, as we get to know our boss we discover that they do not have all (or any) of these traits, and actually have some really odd ways of doing things.  They begin asking us to work on projects that don’t make sense, they seem angered over irrelevant topics and begin confounding us with irrational behavior.  Eventually we may wonder, “Is my boss even from this planet?”  The answer is: maybe not.  

Please be aware that your boss may exhibit one or two of the attributes listed below and still be human.  Perhaps they were once normal but were abducted during a business trip and the exposure to Alien technology or society imprinted negatively on their personality.  If this is the case, your boss may eventually regain his or her normal personality, but it will take time for their conscious and sub-conscious minds to readjust to life in human society.

If, however, your boss exhibits several of the oddities mentioned in this article, your boss may in fact be an Alien.  The first step that you need to take is to not panic; make sure that you have ample proof that your boss is an Alien before going to your co-workers with the information.  Fortunately, it is much easier to spread this knowledge with others than it was several decades ago thanks to such documentary films as The X Files, Species, Men In Black and What Planet Are You From?  If you have another co-worker who also has voiced suspicion that your boss is an Alien, the two of you can and should go through the list below together.

Your Boss is Never Seen Without a Bluetooth or Wireless Headset

This is a classic tell-tale sign that your boss is an Alien.  The common use of headsets in humans has made it much easier for Aliens to remain in constant contact with their Pod Leader or Mother Ship.  A human will enjoy the use of Bluetooth or Wireless headsets while driving, or while working on a project that requires both hands (i.e. molding clay, working with plants or model building), but an Alien will continue use of the headset throughout the day even when it is clearly not necessary.  In extreme cases they will use the headset in one ear, but be listening on a different phone with the other which clearly shows that the headset is not for human-to-human communication.

Test: Hide your boss’s headset in the file-room and observe.  If he goes into a panic, rage or is rendered incapable of functioning then it is clear that the headset is used for contact to his Alien leader.

Your Boss Doesn’t Have any Personal Affects in his/her Workspace

One glaring evidence of your boss’s lack of humanity is if he has no personal items on his desk or on the walls of his office.  Humans by nature will spend the entire time that they are at work wishing that they were somewhere else; this is commonly publicized by humans with photos of family, posters depicting images of the outdoors and coffee mugs that read, “I wish I were fishing”.

Test: Go into your boss’s office when he isn’t there and make a list of any personal items.  If he has less than 5 personal items, the pictures of family on the desk are not HIS family, the items in his office show his affinity for breeding miniature dogs (unaffected humans tend to prefer the full-sized version of everything), or his daily coffee mug has the company logo on it then your boss may be an Alien posing as human.

Your Boss Attends out-of-town Meetings or Conferences Twice a Year or More

If your boss tends to take several out-of-town business meetings each year, he may actually be returning to his home-planet or Mother Ship to visit his family and friends.  Aliens are a very social species in their own right, and often need to take some time to get back in touch with their more advanced civilization so as not to get sucked into our less sophisticated society.

Test: If your boss comes back from his trip invigorated, empowered and full of encouragement, then he probably spent some time with his own.  This is doubly proven when he immediately schedules a staff-meeting to share with you what he has learned while he was away, particularly if the topics discussed involve working together more effectively as a team or changes in company policy.

Your Boss Appears out of Nowhere and Without Warning

Teleportation is not a new concept for Alien races.  Because of their higher brain functions and understanding of the unlimited ability to manipulate time and space, they are able to move through the office within the blink of an eye.  If you are working on a project alone and suddenly look up to see your boss looming above you but did not hear her enter the room, it is very possible that she is using Teleportation as a daily function.  Because this method of transport is so effortless for them, Aliens often forget that to blend in effectively they must adapt to walking.

Test: Go into an unused room in the office, and spend a couple of hours there.  This occasion away from your workspace will also allow you ample time to write out your theory of why you believe your boss to be an Alien, citing any activities that correspond with the points in this article.  If your boss suddenly appears wanting to know what you are doing, and why you aren’t at your desk, this is clear proof of Teleportation and possibly also Telepathy if she somehow is aware that you are not working on a business-related project (you may want to practice blocking your thoughts if this happens.  Contrary to popular belief, Tin-Foil is not effective in blocking brain-waves so you will need to enlist the help of an experienced Meditation expert to learn how to empty your mind and push away mental distractions).

Your Boss Becomes Confused When Confronted with Emotion

When you burst into tears because your boss has infiltrated your mind and overwhelmed you with his Telepathic abilities, a human would console you and empathize with your distress.  An Alien, however, will not.  If your boss reacts with a confused expression, asks you to go back to your desk, finish out the day and then walks away (taking with her the pad of paper with all of your notes), then your boss is exhibiting typical Alien behavior.

Test: Run after her, grab the pad and then run back to your desk.  If your boss appears confused, calls security or yells after you that running in the building and stealing company property (the pad has the company logo on it) is against company policy then your boss is almost definitely an Alien.

Your Boss is Obsessed with Surveillance

If you get pulled into a conference meeting with your boss and a member of Human Resources (which is a very Alien department name.  If everyone in the office were Human, then the department would simply be called “Resources”) this is your boss demonstrating the power and reach of his surveillance abilities.  You will find that your employee folder is full of facts and details about your daily life and habits including doctor’s notes, when you took your last vacation and notes from every one-on-one meeting you’ve ever had with your boss.

Test: During this meeting, ask them how many times you have called in sick to work.  If they have a number readily available along with a list of dates and times for each of your absences then you can be assured that your boss has had you under strict surveillance for some time.

Your Boss sends you to training courses, team-building exercises or to motivational lectures more than once a year

When Aliens feel that we humans are floundering, they will often suggest that we take a course to “correct” our shortcomings.  When we are disorganized, unproductive, unresponsive or distracted they send us to courses with titles like:  Managing Time Effectively; Creating New Leads; Maintaining Focus And Success!  Beware: these courses are actually group brain-washing sessions by leaders of the Alien Pod.  Their goal is to make you feel like you WANT to be organized, productive, responsive and focused – which we all know humans do NOT want to do.

Test: Tell your boss that you are planning on taking that particular day off to go Sailing.  If he is human he will laugh and say something about how no human enjoys sailing but you can have the day off anyway.  If he is Alien, he may threaten to demote or terminate you if you do not attend the course.

Your Boss has never been seen entering, leaving or using the bathroom

It was proven in the mid-50s in a secret study done by the U.S. Government that Alien races do not urinate or defecate the way humans do.  It is not immediately clear how they rid their bodies of waste (although theories are that waste is turned to a fume which escapes through the mouth and is commonly mistaken by humans as halitosis), but the study clearly showed that use of a commode was not necessary for the Aliens being observed. 

Test: Brew a fresh pot of coffee in the morning, and re-fill your boss’s mug throughout the day.  Enlist Ted in the cubicle across from the bathrooms to monitor the doors for the duration of his shift.  You should also enlist Betty who sits across from Ted so that you can compare their notes in tandem and ensure that you have accurate data.

Your Boss makes several trips to the bathroom each day

Contrary to Proof #8, overuse of the bathroom can also be a sign that your boss is an Alien, particularly if your boss does not have a Bluetooth or Wireless headset.  Prior to the widespread use of wired cellular headsets in the mid 1990s and the now rampant use of wireless headsets of today, Aliens used to have communication pods installed in workplace restrooms.  This was evidenced by the fact that Aliens would always wait to use the same commode even when others were available, and then they would sing or whistle while in the stall (both seem to be how Aliens code their communications, so be wary if your boss sings and whistles throughout the day – he may be trying to communicate in his native tongue).  If your boss does this, it is possible that his connection with his Mother Ship has been lost and he is trying to use the more stable Commode Signal to report his whereabouts and activities.

Test: Do NOT provide your boss with coffee, tea or soda for the day.  Once again, enlist Ted and Betty to tally how many times your boss goes to the bathroom, and time the length of the visits.  If Betty thinks this is weird, explain to her that the Commode Signal is a dial-up connection and so the communication will take a minimum of 10 minutes because of reduced band-width. 

Your Boss enjoys it when others suffer

In the field of Alien Studies, there are two common theories as to why Aliens are here on earth.  The first is that they are here to learn about us as a race and live peacefully with us once we have evolved enough to accept their advanced technology, and the second theory is that they are planning world invasion and extermination of our species.  Unfortunately, it appears that Aliens enjoy watching humans suffer, and so that has led me to believe the latter theory to be true. 

Test: If you go to your next review or meeting with your boss and he spends the entire hour yelling at you for being unproductive, wasting time by working with Ted and Betty on unauthorized projects and breaking company policy by stealing his coffee mugs and throwing out all the drinks in the employee lounge, causing you great discomfort; then at the end of the meeting he pats you on the back and thanks you for taking the time to discuss these “issues” – he is definitely an Alien.

 I hope that this accumulation of common Alien activity will help you to identify if your boss is indeed an Alien, or just a strangely affected human.  If you find that your boss is Alien, unfortunately the options that you have available are limited.  You can either seek employment elsewhere (although Aliens tend to infiltrate Management at roughly 98.5% of companies worldwide), or you can continue going to work each day while trying to keep from being sucked into the brainwashing affects that spending 40 hours a week with an Alien collective will bring.  Regardless of which decision you make, be wary of how you use your newfound knowledge since your boss and Human Resources know where you live, how much money you make, where you bank and how many dependents you have.  With immense knowledge comes the duty to responsibly and selectively educate those around you without bringing harm to yourself, family or friends.

**Authors Note: Do not, under any circumstances share this article with your boss.  An inherent trait of any Alien or any human affected by Alien behavior is a lack of sense of humor.  Any administrative write-up, dismissal or suspension resulting from circulation of this article is absolute proof that there is Alien activity in your place of business.

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