George Lucas: The Only Hope of the Catholic Church

The Catholic Church has come a long way from it’s numbing hunger for control of the world since it tried the whole dueling Pope idea, starving the unfaithful and that little Spanish Inquisition. Indeed, the opiate for the masses has had a severe falling off as of late due to a rude awakening of common sense in its followers.

For the devout Catholic who has a devout view of God, they have turned to join the Evangelicals as a way of happily expressing their faith. This is a far cry from the forced guilt, constant humiliation and homily intimidation of the Catholic mass. For the Catholics who like just the right amount of God in their lives but do not like them to be too intrusive, they joined Episcopalianism. This is a sort of guilt free, come as you are, pray to the same God but leave without the weight on your shoulders, type of religion.

How can the Catholic Church compete with that? Well, they did what any good marketing person would do. They decided to merge one of the oldest religions with one of the most successful movie franchises, Star Wars meets Catholicism. Archbishop George Lucas will use his trusty light-saber of truth to teach the word of God in a the way only a science fiction film producer can do, with pizzazz.

So within the coming months, if you are among those who have not yet been able to peel yourself away from the tractor beam of the dark side which holds you in the guilt-laden pews of the Catholic church, fear not. Archbishop Lucas has lots of plans for you. First, all entrance music into the church will be replaced by the Cantina music of Tatooine. The purple and cream colored robes of old will be discarded for the more traditional brown Obi-Wan-Kenobi style.

But wait, there’s more! All gospels will be read as the Gospel’s according to Luke. All references to “Peace be with you” will be replaced with “May the force be with you.” The communion will be administered the same way as to avoid lightning strikes in church, but those who collect money for the church afterwards must be dressed either as Boba Fett or as Princess Leia.

The one issue with the transference of the old ways into the modified Star Wars ways is meeting one significant problem. The father, in this case, is Darth Vader. And until Archbishop Lucas finishes his re-write of the Bible (Which by all accounts will be the 435th version of the book), there will be no mention of the Father whatsoever.

Click here to read about an equally absurd Dick Cheney Newsflash

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