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What’s the best way to become known throughout the world? Have your name and face all over newspapers and TV? Want to know how you, a talentless nobody, can become the next big thing? Here’s how!

Don’t have any talent? Never been anything more than average? Ugly? Never picked up a single skill in your life? Leading a cosmically uninteresting life? Well that no longer matters! Gone are the days when you needed to do something special to get well known and recognised in the world. The answer is here!

Mass Murder.

It doesn’t even need to be mass murder. You could cause mass suicide with your very own cult or you could just set fire to something really big and important and expensive. You see getting famous is a difficult task but getting infamous is a walk in the park. Because if there’s one thing the media will make a circus out of more than the shenanigans of over-botoxed celebrities it’s people who have done something horrendously bad. What sells better than sex? Fox News has proved time and time again that it’s crime. Crime sells like you wouldn’t believe.

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This is why we have live action car chases, total coverage in the court room and ten different version of CSI. So who needs any kind of ability to do anything more than shoot a gun up close or cut with a knife or put your hands around someone else neck? The quickest way to be known and remembered is to do something terrible and let the news media do the rest and trust me when I say that they will. You’ll have more cameras shoved in your face than you know what to do with and when you’re not on the news, they’ll be advertising you being on the news. A couple of years and you’ll have six documentaries made about you. Ten years and you’ll have a movie made about you! Twenty years and you’re being taught about in universities.

It won’t end when they give you the chair, either. Manson, Dahmer, Bundy, Milat – all these names are going down in history. What did they do worth remembering? Did they make a classic movie? Did they discover new parts of the world? Write a novel that shakes the foundation of society? Overthrow a government? Nope. They just killed people. But I’m willing to bet more people know at least one of those names than they know what the French revolution was.

The fact that none of those names are especially new proves just how long our society has been this way and it is sick. I’m not exactly sure how it came about and I can’t help but feel something about human nature helps to drive this. The same thing that makes us slow down to get a good look at a car wreck before we drive on past.

So do you want to get famous beyond your wildest dreams? Do you want to be on the lips of everyone in the entire world? Want to be remembered for generations to come? Well it’s no problem! Women, children – even men if you can manage! – are your answer! Get out there and perform, then you too can be the most wanted man in the news!

Warning: Following this advice may result in impisonment, death, blood stains and a complete failure to understand daidactic sarcasm.