McKittens: The New Fast Food
Published by clay hurtubise on March 8, 2009 in Satire-
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As traditional food supplies dwindle, fast food chains are forced to look for alternative sources of protein.
Certain cultures eat food which may seem inappropriate or disgusting to another culture. Roaches, rats, horse meat, and now fluffy little kittens. The top three U.S. fast food chains are all rushing to get this latest fad purring. Each chain has taken a unique approach: the identities of the chains has been hidden due to legal concerns. All three chains plan on offering value meals.
Image via Wikipedia
The McKitten. This chain has a unique approach in that it can remove the unappetizing guts without disturbing the rest of the body. In an effort to save time and money, the tail of the kitten is used as the stick: similar to a corn dog. After the chain prepares the Kitty it fast freezes them to preserve the flavor and lower transportation cost, the same way lobsters are ‘flash frozen’. At the restaurant the Kittens are clamped by their tails to a long rod with a handle on one end. This set up allows up to six Kittens to be deep fried in a single phase. It has been rumored that the kittens can’t be fried in the same vat of oil as the fish, as the Kitten flavor overwhelms the fish. Kittens can be ordered according to color (the Calico is thought to be the tenderest, while the Tabby is most flavorful), or degree of frying: light, medium, or extra crispy. A variety of dipping flavors is available including: ranch, field, milk, and the most popular, ‘yarn’ .
Image via Wikipedia
Kitty Broil. You can have your kitten flame broiled your way. This restaurant skins and filets the kittens before cooking. While it takes more work for the chain, it yields endless possibilities: similar to how shrimp can be cooked in the Forest Gump movie. You can have Kitten Tenders, deep fried Kitten, Kitten Filet sandwich (with or without pickle), Double Kitten with cheese, the Kitten Fight ( Kitten and fish in a single roll-up), and the list goes on. While it lacks the crispy fried fur of the other restaurant, the flame broiled Kitten is a whopper.
Image via Wikipedia
Last but not least is our third restaurant which shows a cute girl holding an even cuter Kitten with the slogan: “If God didn’t want us to eat Kittens, why did he make them taste so good?”. Like the second chain, they skin and prepare their Kittens before frying on the grill. Several choices are available here also, but the most popular is the ground Kitten. They grind up all different varieties of Kittens and promise that the Kitten patty is at least 5% Maine Coon Kitten. The Kitten burgers are square for ease of handling and shipping. The Kittens come with a Catnip salad or Kitten Chile, your choice, fries are extra.
Image via Wikipedia
Bon appetit.
I have never heard of anything so grotesque! After all the strange things that people eat, I am not surprised by this one. What does surprise me is that the US, is taking up this custom. Even though we humans eat so many other animals, most of us can never see kittens as anything other than our cute little furry pets.
Very interesting write here, Clay.
Yeah my sisters cat needs a slim fast, in a can…
that cat can never run a way because he can not fit through the door may be you have to make a formula for slim cat we can call it!
LOL
I feel quite sick now after reading that. How could anyone do that to lovely little kittens? An interesting if rather upsetting read.
Christine
Looks like this is a naughty article from Clay to give us upset stomachs early in the morning…..:)
Clay! That was hilarious! I could not wait to get to the comments to see how many people had fallen for it. For anyone who is not sure just check the image sources. Well done for giving me the first laugh of the day.
Actually it might not be far off the mark…. I have heard/seen experts on Population research suggest that within 50 years North Americans will be eating cat and dog too, just like other countries if we do not get our population growth (world wide)under control because farm land will be a premium and will not be available to grow food for cattle, but will be needed to grow food directly for people.. beef will be so costly.. that people will need cheaper meat sources.
I read this out loud to my two cat loving daughters, they were horrified! Although, if we could get past the nausea and go straight for the ultra practical, between cats and rabbits we could have a very inexpensive, rapidly renewable resource.
LOL!
Either you have way to much time on your hands or you are a creative genius. The jokes are non-stop with great attention to detail. I love a good laugh. Starting it off with the cute kitty pic is just cruel though…LOL!
Iam speechless you had me almost believeing it which left me in shock but then i saw through what you were doing. Gross but funny Clay
I concur with yaffel…
Sadly, in some countries, this is the norm, which I find horrifying.
I knew you have a twist somewhere in the article! Very witty, and I love it..
Alright Clay,you sick F*&k, I have to admit it was funny and I know I owe you some clicks my brother,so I stopped by,but if my mother in law saw this she would probably die on the spot.I love my kitty as you know but funny is funny and this was surely that.I love the way you started it off so serious.Remember,I live just above Mexico and Linda Vista in San Diego where they say they do this stuff for real
Hah! Nicely done! I’ll have to show this to a friend, he always jokes about eating cats.
well.. that was different
Haha, nicely done. You had me going at first but then I realized what you were doing.
Great Job
-Resounding Glass
It’s cultural isn’t it. Cows are cute too, so are rabbits and deer. In the west, we eat those
Clay, you are so so bad…… as Betty says, gross but definitely funny!!