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Possible new inventions.

I remember the first time I came across one of those late night TV infomercials and was greeted by the catchphrase, “he’s big, he’s purple, and he’s your best friend”. Assuming it was some sort of sexual aid; I grabbed pen and paper and waited for the phone number only to find out that it was a Barney DVD that was being peddled. From that moment on I became positively hooked on those crazy ads and even crazier products. I may very well be the only individual on planet earth who has a season pass on my Tivo for “Paid Programming”.

I have spent hour after hour watching these ads, not to mention spending a nice chunk of change on them only to discover that not one of them works as well as the colorfully sweatered gentleman in the ads seems to be able to get them to. There must be an original prototype of each product that works like a charm that they use for the ads and then make cheap knock-offs to sell to the general public. The part that really bothers me is that I constantly fall for the hype in these ads. I’m batting a thousand on failures but the sales pitches are so good that I truly believe that the next item will be the one to break my string of bad luck. I’m absolutely hopeless. I buy the Flobee vacuum cleaner device that cuts your hair only to have it tear out chunks at the root and am then forced to buy the spray on hair to patch up the hatchet job I did on my scalp or, worse yet, an entire petting zoo of Chia Pets so that I can harvest the icky green fungus that grows out of them to paste onto my bald spots, going for a punk, Goth look.

Someone, somewhere has to be getting fabulously wealthy off of these products because some of them seem to have been around for years and I thinks it’s time that I got a piece of that pie and the only way to do that is to invent a device or product a large chunk of the general population would want or need. I have come up with three that I think could be winners.

The Trank: This is a plastic drinking container that has a floating widget (similar to those found in draft cans of beer) inside. The container is covered but has a hole where draft beer can be poured and has a straw on top also. You take the trank to the bar with you and drink as normal but through the straw which is actually a Breathalyzer. As soon as the straw recognized that you have crossed the legal drinking limit it activates the widget which contains a high powered tranquilizer dart which is shot at high speed into the roof of your mouth, knocking you out for the remainder of the evening. The dart has a GPS chip which sends out a signal to the local cab company letting them know that your location and that you have been disabled and require a ride home. You’ll never lose your license or harm anyone else with your reckless behavior.

The Zapper: This is an electrical wrist strap that attaches to your computer keyboard and prevents you from writing foul language or hateful nonsense while online. The wristband recognizes keystrokes which add up to bad language or foul remarks and send a high voltage current into the typer’s body, immobilizing them and crashing their hard drive in the process. Wives everywhere will be snapping these up for their husbands who like to Google some rather dubious sounding websites involving maids, sheep, and circus performers.

The Palette Filter: This is a small sheer device that fits snugly into the roof of your mouth and, similar to the Zapper, traps all the bad language and negative thoughts before they can cross your lips. The filter can be removed after a few days and placed inside a small convection type fan (not included with purchase but available for 3 easy payments of $19.95) which will heat a medium sized family room for a month. “The Palette Filter Fan, Powered By Vitriol”

This may very well be my last post here at AC because if even one of these products takes off I’ll be too busy spending the piles and piles of cash that will be rolling in. Thank you for reading and I look forward to receiving your orders.