Recession Turns Burgeoning Seed Business Into “Giant Business”

Recession turns burgeoning seed

business into ‘giant business’

OREGON — As the recession deepened further last month, families turned to backyard agriculture as a proven way to put fresh fruits and vegetables on the dinner table. Neighborhood nurseries and the seed industry witnessed the biggest boon in sales as families looked for frugal, environmentally friendly ways to maintain a well-balanced diet and avert temptations to fast food.

However, the agrarian fad sweeping through neighborhoods resulted in some unexpected growth in tertiary markets as well.

Elise Jimenez of Growers Corner, Ala. noticed something amiss in her backyard garden.

“I woke up one morning and looked in the backyard,” she recollected, “and I saw a giant beanstalk going all the way up into the clouds.”

With the sharp increase in seed planting going on across the country, a certain percentage of these seeds carried recessive genes and alleles belonging to the family of giant beanstalks. These beanstalks, popularized by folklore and, in particular, the story “Jack and the Beanstalk”, found the perfect environment in which to grow.

“There are no natural predators, so the beanstalks are able to grow all the way up to the evil giants’ kingdom,” warned one horticulturalist.

David Corn, a government horticulturist and avid kite-flyer added, “I’m not surprised by the sudden increase in giant beanstalks. You really have to think about genetics and statistics…the more bean stalks you plant, the greater the likelihood of [giant beanstalks].”

As one might expect, the increase in giant beanstalks correlated with an increase in missing children last month, according to local and Federal government databases.

“Giants have been stealing and eating our children,” cried Mary Monroe, 36, of Dearbourne, Id., who runs an orphanage.

Only a handful of children have been suspected victims of these evil giants. Most of the children who made the attempt to climb the beanstalks suffered from various degrees of mental retardation and fell back to earth long before reaching the kingdom. Still, parents faced the arduous task of educating their children to the potential dangers of evil giants.

As one parent explained,”[children] these days, they don’t care. They’ll climb the beanstalk just to be in defiance of their parents.”

Other parents warned that the giants might be tricking their children into making the climb.

“I saw an evil giant on my son’s MySpace account,” recalled one father. “I made him delete [the giant], but I’m willing to bet the farm that they still talk.”

When asked about the reputation they have been garnering over the last few months, a spokesgiant for the evil giant kingdom replied, “We’re evil giants who feed on children. There’s not too much mystery behind what we do. We eat your kids.”

The spokesgiant added that trickery and technology were not out of the question when it came to feeding on children.

“We are in a situation where the economy has helped our cause, and we’re willing to use any and all methodologies at our disposal to get your children to climb up the beanstalk. We will blog, tweet, and Skype at the same time if we have to.”

The U.S. Department of Defense placed responsibility onto local governments in the destruction of the giant beanstalks.

As one local representative noted, “We are finding the task of beanstalk destruction to be nearly impossible. As soon as we chop one down, another one springs up…we simply don’t have the resources to stop [the beanstalks]. “

The Federal government promised to investigate the matter further and vowed to allocate additional resources to local governments in need of assistance.

***Sneuters News Wire is a parody service that reheats current events with a twist.  References to the likeness of any non-public-figure individuals, living or dead, are purely coincidental.