Sifu Dansac Explains Lana Clarkson

Hello Laui, Nihau, Nihau! I am Sifu Dansac, I am Kung Fu master, I am B movie fan, I am today depress.
Sifu is very depress to hear of death of Lana Clarkson. Maybe some Laui not know name of Lana Clarkson, never see her in film, but her death all over news recently; she probably more famous now than she ever was before.

This is very sad; Sifu have do research, and learn that little-known actress Lana Clarkson was hungry for fame, once quote as say “If you’re not famous by forty, you might as well shoot yourself.”

Almost prophetic statement; in 2003, Lana Clarkson is killed by gunshot to the mouth at the home of music producer Phil Spector. It is allege, (Sifu say allege), that Miss Clarkson come to Mr Spector house for to talk about movie roll. Case has take three years to get to court, and Mr Spector is protest him innocence. Phil Spector chauffer say him hear gunshot, see MR Spector right after. Mr. Spector holding gun, and say “I think I shot someone.”

When police are arrive to take Mr Spector away, him is say “What are you doing? It was an accident, I didn’t mean to shoot her!” These quotes Sifu is get from Guardian Newspaper on-line. Once him get to court however, Mr Spector is deny everything. Prosecution is interview many Mr Spector ex-girlfriends; many report that him have gun fetish and threaten them with gun during relationship. This Sifu is hear on news, watch court footage, see Mr Spector sit in dock while him ex-girlfriends all line up to give evidence. Prosecution is say that Mr Spector put gun in Ms Clarkson mouth and shoot her; that is what prosecution say.

Case for the defence say that Miss Clarkson is put the gun in her own mouth and pull the trigger; Lana Clarkson quote above suggest she maybe suicidal; she was 41 at time of death. However, friends and associates say Lana Clarkson not suicidal. Depress, yes; hungry for fame, yes; reduce to working in cheap bar for $9 and hour plus tips, yes… but still she find her way to big music producer house to discuss career. Sifu cannot speculate; three option seem probable for what really happen. Remember, for lawyer and litigant, Sifu is expound on the evidence, not make empty conjecture. Here we go.

Case swings on who was holding gun; both Mr Spector and Miss Clarkson DNA found on weapon. Therefore, Sifu say; maybe it just possible Mr Spector take out gun for to ‘show’ it to Miss Clarkson; him was gun fetishist, think it perfectly natural people want look at guns, probably pleased to find girl who interested too. Miss Clarkson is then take the gun and shoot herself. Second scenario; Mr Spector is take out gun, put it in Miss Clarkson mouth and shoot her. Simple, straightforward, and what prosecution is going for. Sifu have third theory; remember, both people DNA found on murder weapon.

Perhaps, Miss Clarkson is come to take turn on casting couch. She was experience actress, work in B-movies for years, do soft porn and things like that; she is know her way around the casting couch. Mr Spector is into guns; maybe him show her gun, and then want to see her kiss gun. It kinda kinky, but it take all sort to make a world; some women maybe think whole idea kinda sick, but remember that Lana Clarkson also do kinky stuff on film, bondage and non-consensual sex scene.

It not too much stretch imagination to think maybe she put gun in mouth willingly, for to make Mr Spector happy. Somehow, Miss Clarkson is take a shot in the mouth, and not in a good way. Did him shoot her or did she shoot herself? Sifu is not know; think it swings and roundabouts, to be honest.

Lana Clarkson very beautiful woman, incredible body; it not often woman can be describe as statuesque. The world have lose very beautiful woman, but it is not this that make Lana Clarkson stick in Sifu mind. Sifu is watch Barbarian Queen, cheap swords & sorcery film starring Lana Clarkson as angry sword-swinging Amazon type woman. It is Lana Clarkson swinging sword that Sifu remember; B Movie soft porn actress is not known for incredible fighting skill, but Miss Clarkson is make up for lack of skill by give it plenty of wellie! (For US Laui, ‘wellie’ is a kind of English boot, made of rubber. To ‘give it plenty of wellie’ is saying come from bizarre English sport of wellie-wangling, which involve throwing rubber boots across muddy field. Seriously. But Sifu is digress….)

Lana Clarkson is swing sword with gusto, really get into roll and have right go at sword-wielding stunt men. There is one fight where Lana Clarkson is jump off roof, haul man into river and fight him in waist-deep water. Stunt men is famous for be brave and know no fear, but watch this movie for to see stunt man looking very scared; Lana Clarkson is all over him with sword, splashing and snarling and look like she really mean it.

Director is give her sword and she is go to work, terrify stunt men all over set, make them plead for them lives without any acting at all! Oh yeah, Sifu love it, watch scene again and again while eating pop corn; ignore sex scenes in film just to see Lana Clarkson giving it laldy with big sword! (Laldy is Scottish word, mean… energetic, plenty of energy and aggression.)

It so sad Lana Clarkson never make it really big. Very sad she die the way she did, very sad that people only find out four years later… it is sad that beautiful woman spend her whole life hungry for fame, and never be filled, except by greedy Hollywood executives who not make her famous like them promise.

It is sad that she maybe ready to shoot herself the moment she is handed gun. It is even more sad to think that such beautiful woman was so broke-down and depress, she would put gun in her mouth as part of kinky sex game; it is sad to think of professional actress who work all her life for chosen career, reduce to working in cheap club, so miserable she do anything for man who promise make her star. It arouse Sifu compassion, Laui, and make him sad.

This is trap of fame Laui; maybe you hear about plenty famous people today, but if you think on famous people from history, them have one thing in common; most people you have ever hear of were dead long before them was famous. So in that at least, Lana Clarkson join ranks of super-famous, historical folks who still remember long after them dead. Who knows, maybe when modern civilisation collapse and everyone live in Mad Max post-apocalypse nightmare world, Barbarian Queen DVD will survive and cult of Lana Clarkson become world religion.

Hah, that would be funny, Laui; Lana Clarkson ghost be happy, and Sifu be happy too, so long as Scientology long forgotten… hmm, maybe Sifu start cult of Lana Clarkson himself, encourage Laui to revere her as some kinda god? Maybe Miss Clarkson should have think of this herself, long ago, and enlist fans to make her cult icon, rather than pursue lonely path to fame that end in her death.

Sifu is reserve final word for give him condolences Miss Clarkson family. Sifu is only comedy Chinaman, make people laugh, and maybe him self-expression upsetting for bereaved relatives, but Sifu is very sad to hear of Lana Clarkson death. It such a shame; Sifu hope American courts come to right decision, whatever that might be.

The World Shall Hear From Me Again!