Ten Things That Terrify Me

Franklin Delano Roosevelt said, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” He obviously never walked a mile in my shoes. Here’s a list of ten things that frighten me. If these things didn’t keep you awake before, after you read this, they will.

Pre Fear

When I was a younger man, I wasn’t afraid of anything. Heck, what was there to be afraid of? I was young, strong, and smart, it was simply impossible that I could be hurt or killed. It just couldn’t happen. So, I took risks that I look back on now and shiver in fear. What in the world was I thinking when I jumped out of the barn into the piled up hay? What if I landed on a pitchfork? What if I missed? In those days, pre fear, I didn’t think about it, I just did it.

I’m not really sure where the fear began to kick in, but I think it was about the time my son was born. He was allergic to something in his mother’s milk so we had to feed him formula. Well, all I could think about at two in the morning after changing his diaper was that I would get the formula too hot. Then it might burn him. What if it was too cold? Then he might cry and wake up my exhausted wife. What if I didn’t get his diaper on right? Finally, I’d get him fed and rocked back to sleep, disaster averted, for now. But, then I was in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about SIDS, crib suffocation, choking and any number of the apparently (according to the books and Internet) fifty-thousand things that can kill your baby, forty-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety of which are your fault.

So, I think that’s where the fear started to kick in. Now, my son is a little older and I don’t worry about him quite as much. I only have to worry about ten thousand things that can kill him, so I have a little extra time to think about other things. Here are my top ten terrors.

Health

I’m thirty-five so I’m at that age when things start to go wrong. Sure, there’s no reason to assume that something will go wrong, but it could and that’s where the real terror begins. I don’t have heart disease or cancer in my family, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t happen. Whenever I get a twinge, anywhere, it could be cancer. Heartburn? Surely it’s a heart attack. Sore legs? Bone cancer. Headache? Brain tumor. Blurry eyes? Glaucoma. Dizziness? Diabetic shock.

It is completely irrelevant that all of these symptoms occur on the same day and it’s usually the day after I go out with some friends of mine to the local Mexican restaurant and stay until two in the morning eating greasy tacos, drinking margaritas and shots of tequila. That doesn’t matter. See, once the fear sets in all logic goes bye-bye. It’s kind of like a gambler and money. Speaking of money…

Money

I don’t have any. I want some. I have things I would like to do. What happens to my little boy if I can’t get some money? Will we lose the house? What if one of the cars breaks down? What if the furnace goes kaput? The shingles need replacing, the eves need to be painted and I can’t afford to pay for anything. Good lord, what am I going to do?

This is a great terror. You can keep yourself up all night just on this one alone. I spent the entire night so worked up from worry about money that I was too tired to go into work the next day and was fired. So, now I sit around the house and watch TV. Which brings me to…

Terrorism

This is a really good one, because I don’t have to do a thing except watch the news. By the time the five o’clock news is over I’m completely drenched in sweat and my heart hurts (BONUS!! see Health). If I watch the news all day, I am blasted out of my chair by terror alerts, suicide bombings, weapons of mass destruction and every other kind of possible carnage. I have to turn it off and go outside. Crap.

Outside

Have you been outside? Do you know what can happen to a person out there? If you happen to live in the US, there are Lyme disease carrying ticks, West Nile disease carrying mosquitoes, spiders, snakes and every raccoon in the country has rabies, let alone the squirrels. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, lighting, hail, good heavens, man, the SUN can kill you. Not to mention all of the plants that cause hay fever, bees and wasps that sting, I mean a tree could fall on you. Nope, I ain’t going outside. Back inside.

Inside

Have you been inside? You could slip and fall on the linoleum, crashing to the floor in a pile of broken limbs. Or if you’re really unlucky you could slip and hit your head on the side of the countertop, bashing in your brains. Stairs are a terror all by themselves. What about that most terrifying place of them all, the bathroom? You could slip on a piece of soap in the shower and end up with a broken neck. You could slip while getting out of the tub and smack your head on the sink, do a somersault and end up unconscious face down in the toilet. Talk about humiliation. Maybe I’ll take a drive to calm down. Uh-oh.

Driving

Every time I get behind the wheel of my car it is like dancing the tango of death. Last year over 40,000 Americans died in car accidents. That’s more people than died from lightning strikes, bee stings and indoor falls combined. My automobile looks like something from outer space. I’m so afraid that I won’t see something that I have one hundred and four mirrors that allow me to look in every conceivable direction. I keep not one, but two bottles of glass cleaner in the car at all times and make certain that my seat belt and air bag are in proper working order. My pre-drive checklist has over two hundred items, including checking air pressure, brakes, brake lines, belts, hoses, interior and exterior lights and the spare tire. I have three first aid kits in different places in the car, spare food and water, a tent, an emergency defibrillator and four of those handy glass hammer seat belt cutter thingies in case the car goes under water. But, no matter what, you can’t prepare for everything.

Being Prepared

Every year we’re told to prepare for countless things. Here in the Midwest we have to prepare for winter, spring, summer and fall. Each season has its own particular kind of devastation that can strike in a moments notice and if you are not prepared, you might as well just lie down and die, because that’s what’s going to happen if you aren’t prepared.

In the winter we have to be prepared for blizzards, but that is the least of it. What about if the power goes out (also possible any other time of year, why do I live here again?)? You could freeze to death before they get to you. If the water lines freeze and burst, not only do you have a mess you could end up, if the power is out, with a skating rink in your basement. Spring doesn’t bring any relief from being prepared, because of tornadoes, floods and hail. Summer, if anything, is worse. More tornadoes, torrential rainstorms and more hail. Fall brings a little respite, but don’t let down your guard. There has been a tornado every month of the year here in Nebraska, so it’s never safe.

Not only do we have to prepare for the weather, but there’s also terrorism (don’t forget the duct tape), home invasion, fire, identity theft, poisoning and countless other things. We can’t prepare for them all, much less a deadly combination of things. So, sooner or later, the power is going to go out during a terrorist attack, my home is going to be invaded by a lunatic identity thief and there will be a fire in the baby’s room where he is lying on the floor after drinking drain cleaner. Now how in the heck does a person prepare for that? You can’t, so you worry.

Worry

I’m scared to death of my own worries. The fear of being afraid keeps me up at night. I read the other day that stress is a killer. So, my worry about being worried is actually killing me, which makes me worry. It’s a vicious cycle that has no end. How am I supposed to be prepared for stuff if I can’t worry about it? But, if I worry about it then that produces stress which is killing me. I don’t know what to do, maybe if I go cuddle with the wife…

The Wife

My wife is a wonderful person. Or so she would have you believe. Actually, she is a fun sucking vampire from the Planet Get a Job You Lazy SOB. Doesn’t she know that many injuries occur at work? I can’t possibly go to work; it’s just too much of a risk. My best bet is to stay home on the couch; the living room is the least dangerous place in the house. If I play video games with my son on an insulated surface we’re as safe as we can be. I can’t clean the kitchen or bathroom because it’s just too dangerous. Clean out the gutters? Ridiculous risk. Mow the lawn? Are you kidding me? Laundry? What if the washing machine goes on the warpath? But, for my wife, apparently those are all risks that I should be taking as long as I won’t get a job. I think she wants me out of the way so that she can marry someone else because, let’s face it I’m not that great in the bedroom.

Sexual Inadequacy

This is my deepest and most secret fear. The other day I read something on the Internet that said that the average sexual encounter lasted from three to seven minutes. I’m so far from the lower end of that spectrum that when my wife and I last had “relations”, two months ago, it was over before the commercial for Viagra. Now, it’s not that I need help in that department, but because my wife is less than pleased with me most of time for some reason, she rarely has time for me. Plus, sex is a very dangerous activity. Just think about your heart rate or muscle strain or an aneurism. There are so many ways to die during sex, that frankly, I just want to get it over with as quickly as possible to lessen the risk. I feel good about that, but I wish my wife would quit calling me the minute man to my face.

Full Blown Fear

Fear will always be with us, but most of us haven’t sat down and taken stock of what we fear. I really hope that this list helps you get a grip on your fears. If you really think about it, there are a lot of reasons to be afraid. But, don’t worry, because worry causes stress, which can kill you.