The New Vauxwagon T’Ossa

The new VauxWagon T’Ossa

With the recession biting hard, car manufacturer VauxWagon have come up with a radical new design to take the heat out of motoring costs. Compare this new model against others, with the ‘Green Index’ of environmental attributes.

Reporter, Sean Langley, reviews this delightful car’s revolutionary design features.

Not at all ‘average’

On first inspection, the new VauxWagon T’Ossa looks like many other vehicles on the road. A neat family saloon, with a sleek design; large enough to be comfortable but, small enough to be economical. However, do not be fooled by this average veneer.

The T’Ossa is anything but average. Take the time to explore this ground-breaking model and you will be drawn-in by its special features, all designed to make you the most irritating driver on the road. So, let’s have a closer look at these unique new features.     

No Indicators

This is the most radical new feature on this intriguing model, aimed at trimming the initial outlay on your new purchase. With a high-proportion of modern drivers being ignorant and lazy, it has been decided that indicators are rendered obsolete.

This makes sense to me. We have all experienced an approach to a busy roundabout, where not one driver has the decency to convey their intentions to other road users. So, why waste the world’s resources by fitting indicators to cars when they are not needed?

The T’Ossa saves, not only costs and valuable resources but, the driver’s energy. No longer do you have the option of telling other road users what you are doing. Wicked!

Green Index: 10/10

Rain Lights

Many drivers these days cannot seem to distinguish between rain and fog. So, when visibility is very limited during heavy rain, they make matters worse by switching-on their fog-lights and blinding the rest of us. The clue is in the title guys!

However, VauxWagon have solved the problem, simply renaming them rain-lights. Now, when the fog descends, logic suggests that these fools will put on their rain-lights. Sorted!

Green Index: 2/10

Auto-pilot switch: No wing-mirrors & No rear-view mirrors

In order to maximise irritation to other road-users, this T’Ossa facility gives you the option to switch off completely. When motorway or freeway driving, you can now drive totally without due care and attention.

For the ultimate in middle-lane driving, flick the switch to position A. Your wing-mirrors are automatically inclined towards the door, thereby removing the need for you to check either the inside or outside lane for traffic. This also has the effect of reducing wind-resistance, thus increasing fuel-economy.

For total ignorance, flick the switch to position B and the rear-view mirror is blacked-out. You are no longer bothered by those annoying drivers approaching from behind, who are flashing their headlights in a futile attempt to get you to abide by the Highway Code. Sit back, relax, and you can continue pleasing yourself!

Green Index: 3/10

Front ‘Vehicle Detect’ Sensors

This feature puts the T’Ossa at the very forefront of leading-edge technology in car design. With an increasing number of drivers feeling inadequate enough to venture into the outside lane on motorways or freeways, they are creating a new phenomena of ‘middle-lane drivers’. They race along the middle-lane until they encounter another vehicle ahead, at which point they slow-down until that vehicle moves over.

With this exciting new feature, the VauxWagon driver can switch off completely when racing along. They are safe in the knowledge that their T’Ossa will alert them to another vehicle ahead. The feature can even be personally set, so that the alert will sound when a vehicle is detected between 50 and 1000 metres distance away. Terrific!

Green Index: 3/10

Off-side/Rear ‘Vehicle Detect’ Sensors

And VauxWagon have excelled themselves with this feature. When driving on multi-laned roads, this device will alert you when a vehicle approaches from behind, in the lane outside the one in which you are travelling. This affords you the opportunity to pull-out in front of them and annoy the driver immensely, forcing them to slow-down. Brilliant! 

Green Index: 7/10

Superman Button

Ideal for when you want to dash into the newsagents for your cigarettes or, stop opposite a T-Junction in rush-hour to get cash from the hole-in-the-wall. Just press the T’Ossa’s Superman Button and you can pretend that no-one can see that you are parking on a double-yellow line and causing havoc. It’s not a problem that everyone else has to suffer because you are so, so, important, is it Superman?

On the deluxe model, there is an additional feature, Superman Plus, which allows you to believe that you are totally invisible. This allows you to park for longer periods of time on double yellow lines, in bus stops, across pedestrian crossings, on pavements or sidewalks. The most special ignoramus’ should not be without this genius piece of kit!

Green Index: 0/10

Music Sensor

Another interesting and novel development, from our friends at VauxWagon, is the Music sensor. Whenever a CD is inserted into the sound-system, if the Music Sensor detects the music genre as either Rap, Garage, House, Hip-Hop, R&B, Rave etc., it will automatically wind-down the driver and front passenger windows and turn the volume up to full-blast.

This will enable you to annoy everyone that you pass – within a mile radius – with the gut-wrenching trash emanating from your CD-player. Sound!

Green Index: -2/10

Shopping Trolley

Many shoppers in supermarkets find it increasingly difficult to walk the unreasonably lengthy 20 metres to the ‘return bays’, with their empty trolleys. The T’Ossa has an optional extra of a detachable built-in shopping trolley, which can be placed into the boot or trunk, when on a shopping trip.

On returning to your car from the store, simply lift the trolley back in, and the legs can collapse underneath to fit into the space. No need to waste shoe leather, and an entire 30 seconds, to return the trolley now. Fabulous!    

Green Index: 4/10   

Cigarette Buddy

As another optional extra, the T’Ossa has an ‘automatic arm’. This can remove the finished cigarette from your mouth, wind the window down and chuck the smouldering filter-tip onto the road outside.

So, save your energy by having your car do the dirty work for you. The added benefit is that you don’t even have to clean out your own ash-tray. The rest of the world won’t be affected by the multitude of discarded butts; not least the poor beggar following, who has a petrol leak and you have just blown him to kingdom come!

Green Index: -2/10

Total Green Index: 25/90 (Poor)

Masterpiece

So, there you have it, a masterpiece of modern engineering. The VauxWagon T’Ossa does not disappoint. For the discerning driver, who cannot wait to get up everyone’s nose, this is undoubtedly the car for you. Don’t settle for an ASBO, go out and get yourself into an absolute T’Ossa! 

ENDS.

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