What We’ve Learned From Balloon Boy

Falcon Heene never really took flight- we all know that.  But it’s a scary thought what might have happened if he did.  The incident showed just how unprepared our law enforcement agencies are when it comes to 6 year old children floating away in massive homemade balloons.  I for one think this is unacceptable. 

One of the common occurences after an event like this is the possibility of copy-cats.  Children around the United States have undoubtedly been captivated by Falcon’s bravery and the fact that his actions will most likely get his parents arrested.  When I was a kid there was nothing that I wanted more than to get my parents arrested so I could pee in the shower, play with my friends all the time, and not do my homework.  I think Falcon agreed to his father’s plan exactly for this reason.  Once his parents are in prison, Falcon will be free to do as he pleases, and he’ll finally get back at his dad for always yelling at him and swearing at him. 

We have reason to believe that other children will realize this as well.  They will also be empowered with the knowledge to pull it off, thanks not only to Falcon Heene’s family but also because of Disney-Pixar’s Up.  They will realize they can either build one large balloon, or simply purchase thousands of tiny balloons and intricately string them together. 

This will create a dire “boy who cried wolf” sort of problem.  Many children will, undoubtedly, launch massive balloons into the air.  But what if a few children, merely making giant balloon aircraft for a school project, genuinely get trapped aboard one of these flying machines?  The lives of innocent children are at stake!

This in mind, we must pursue a strategy to enable our law enforcement to catch these balloons in midair and bring them back to earth safely.  I propose a few ideas I’ve worked up in my study:

1.  The Blow-Gun Strategy
The Blow-Gun Strategy is simple.  First, construct a massve net, at least 13 miles in diameter, for a number of helicopters to carry beneath the balloon-craft as it flies.  This will prevent the child from falling to his or her death and will also kill thousands of migratory birds.  Once the helicopters are properly in place, fly in another helicopter equipped with a massive blow-gun (or simply an Apache Helicopter equipped with its regular weaponry) and blast the balloons until the child or the fuselage containing the child fall safely into the net.  The net can then be brought down to earth slowly and the child can return to his or her parents, who can then be arrested.

2.  The Harpoon-Gun Strategy
Basically all you need to do is fire a giant harpoon into the balloon and then pull it back down to earth.  Gravity will help streamline the process.

3.  A Fleet of Harrier Jets
This strategy is pretty simple as well.  The Navy or Air Force can simply call in about 15 Harrier jets to hover directly above the balloon.  The energy from their engines will blow the balloon downward at an incredbile rate.  The more Harriers, the faster the balloon will fall.  This strategy can also employ a massive net, as described in the first blow-gun strategy.

4.  Sky Divers With Harpoons
This strategy involves a two-man sky diving team.  The first sky diver must jump about 2 minutes earlier than the second.  The first sky diver latches on securely with either the child or the fuselage containing the child.  Then, the second sky diver, who of course is wielding a massive harpoon gun, will destroy either the balloon of the majority of the balloons, sending the first skydiver and the child down toward the earth.  The first sky diver then deploys his parachute and everyone is saved, unless the harpoon gun hurtling toward the earth inadvertently strikes someone on the ground.

5.  Have Obama Negotiate the Balloon Down
Let’s face it: Obama is a great negotiator.  Obama can sky dive out of Air Force One, deploy his parachute, and maintain at an equal-footing with the balloon.  The talks with the balloon will be grounded in mutual respect- not threats.  As the balloon gets a cooler head, it will float harmlessly to the ground (simple physics tell us that hot air travels up, as the balloon cools down through Obama’s logic and reasoning, it will glide slowly to the ground.)  Obama can even use his Nobel Peace Prize to show the balloon he has only the best of intentions.  After the balloon and Obama land, Obama can give a spontaneous speech about all that happened and we can give him another noteworthy international prize, increasing his credentials for the next such event.

Hopefully these strategies prove useful.  If you have any other ideas, please let me know.  I will soon be compiling a list to send to my Senator so we can pass some balloon-based legislation.  It’s like the Amber Alert for children taken by balloons, only I think we should call it the “Falcon Signal” both because it sounds way cool and because signal is a mild synonym to “alert.”