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Satire about artificial increase of mental capacity.

NEW HAVEN (AP) – Doctors at Yale University Medical Center along with the Yale Psychology Department revealed yesterday that they have successfully increased by surgical means the intelligence levels of a number of animals. This has been accomplished in a series of experiments over the last 5 years aimed at discovering whether or not it might be feasible to similarly increase human intelligence.

The announcement was made by Dr. Armond Schatz, a professor of Neurosurgery, along with a team of 5 other medical specialists and psychologists at the Yale Pavilion to the Northeastern Psychologists of American Convention. The surgery, they explained, apparently doubled or even quadrupled the intelligence of their test subjects.

Controversy over the announcement has caused quite a stir among the scientific world and beyond. Most critics of the experiments cite the ethical and psychological impact of such tampering to individuals who would be operated on. They also point out a number of wider social issues which could arise. “It seems that Dr. Schatz. As it so typical with the modern scientific community today, has decided to only consider what is possible without considering what is ethical.”

The team of Yale scientists responsible, led by Dr. Schatz, insisted that the procedure had been highly successful and that the animal test subjects, 90% of which survived their life-changing ordeals, were faring very well at the present time. “After 4 months since the time of the surgery, the lab mice are all thriving and learning tasks never before seen within their species, tasks they were incapable of before the procedure.”