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Doormats have been outlawed by the Council of Thurrock as they constitute a major hazard to people. At least one Council in England has got his priorities right and deals with one of the most pressing concerns modern man is faced with.

Most councils in England are a disorganized lot, going after their work haphazardly and with no view to urgent priorities. A notable exception may be found in Thurrock, where the Council just outlawed one of the menaces to mankind nobody else dared tackle before: The Doormat. In an official statement the Council has identified doormats as one of the most grievous hazards to health and safety as a person might trip over it. In case of fire, a doormat makes it almost impossible to leave a building speedily.

It may be expected that this most forward thinking of councils will tackle other fire hazards now speedily and without delay. High on its agenda are the halt of any gas supplies, the removal of all electric wiring, and the outlawing of any furniture inside buildings as you might trip over them when fleeing a fire. As a further step, the removal of all organic material from houses is envisaged.

The Council is quite right in shelving secondary concerns as unimportant; who cares for the removal of snow and ice from the roads? People just don’t have to leave their houses to be safe. Not on the agenda of priorities are also quite rightly the levelling of pavements and the removal of potholes from roads. Complaints by residents that council cars and vehicles are constantly blocking emergency exits and accesses of houses and estates have been brushed aside as irrelevant, as fires never break out when someone of near divine powers is near a building.

A quango with a Doormat Finder General will probably be put in place to trace rogue doormats and police will be advised to reply to 999 calls only when dealing with doormat incidents. It may be conjectured that unobserved doormats left outside to do as they please are also responsible for vandalism, hooliganism, and ganging up on residents. And you really never know when a terrorist might not hide under a doormat.

Doormats on the run may now be shot and hunted by everyone, and caught doormats will face the ultimate punishment without trial: They will be exiled to a landfill.

As a taxpayer I always note with relief when government agencies and employees make it their prime concern to safeguard my interests and spend money so responsibly. After successfully extirpating all terrorism from this world, Britain tackles the next almost insurmountable threat. But clouds might be gathering at the horizon of a happy doormat free world.

The RSPCA might yet define doormats as the habitat of rare vermin, and there is the question of racism. And then there is a further question of health and safety, as removing the doormat from the entrance makes people bring in the dirt. Probably everybody will be compelled to build detox showering cubicles inside entrance doors at their own cost.

I have to thank the Thurrock Gazette for this treasure. Guys, you made my day!

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