This is Why I Quit Reading The News..

You would think that in a world of nearly seven billion people, major news corporations would have something important to talk about. Well, apparently they don’t. Take aol.com for instance, the first thing you see on their home page is a group of headline articles that automatically shuffle (to ease your viewing experience) that make me cringe with shame every time I try to take the world seriously. Please, allow me to list them…

Navy Denies Reports That Capt. Honors Has Been Relieved

I’m sure we’ve all heard about this one by now. Back in 2006-2007 Capt. Honors produced and starred in numerous ‘racy’ videos that were broadcast on the nuclear-powered USS Enterprise. Woopy-doo. Can you imagine being out at sea, working long hours with little entertainment. Sure Honors acted like a twenty year old frat boy, but maybe that’s what a group of young sailor’s needs to preserve their sanity. Leave the guy alone. It’s bad enough that he’s losing his command and his future but now the world gets to know about it. We might as well have stripped him naked in front of an audience of seven billion people and pointed while laughing. *$!# you aol.

Sandra Bullock Spending ‘Quality Time’ with Ryan Reynolds

Don’t even get me started on this pathetic human obsession with celebrities.

Male Anorexia: One Boy’s Story

Okay, I admit, anorexia is a serious issue, one that exists because of the stupid norms that Americans place on the ideal body. The kid in this article, Eric Ostendorf, ate an apple a day, worked out obsessively and ended up spending a hundred days in an eating-disorder facility at Rogers. His story is heart-felt and worth the read. The problem I have is the contradictory nature of the next headline article I’ll be talking about…

Use a Food Diary to Help Shed Pounds

‘An anonymous soul once said: “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.”’  What the *$!#!!!!!!! Seriously, leave us alone. Confidence is hard enough to come by as it is. You want weight loss tips America? Stop eating McDonalds, work out every now and then and stop reading detrimental mind-fuck articles about food diaries.

What Your Shirt Color Says About You

2012 can’t come soon enough.

Best Gym Membership for Your Money

Get off your lazy ass and go find out for yourself.

Letterman Blasts Simon Cowell

Who cares? He blasts everybody and anybody who takes it seriously is nobody worth talking about to somebody else. What?

Brett Favre, Jets Sued for Sexual Harassment by Ex-Team Employees

Brett your game is washed up and apparently your dick is too. Hang ‘em both up. Am I the only one tired of hearing about it?

Well, there are your aol.com headlines. Don’t get me wrong, there does seem to be some important news strung through the website but you’ll need a minor miracle to navigate to it.